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A secret transcript from the top-level Budweiser marketing meeting several months prior to the Superbowl: CMO: Okay okay.. everyone settle in.  It’s a big day today and we have a lot of ground to cover.  As you know, in a few months we’ve got the Superbowl coming up.  Big big event for us. It’s been a tough year out there.  People are really just trying to make ends meet, so we definitely don’t want to do anything innovative or entertaining in any way.  Simply maintain the status quo and fly under the radar and create sub par advertising.  Which is why I’m pleased to announce that we’re bringing back the Clydesdale ads again this year. {enthusiastic applause] We’ve done extensive market testing and found that non-funny ads featuring animals resonate tremendously with our target demographic. Now, here’s the problem.  Since we’ve run these mediocre Clydesdale ads since the beginning of time, we’re running out of cute things for the Clydesdale to do.  We had a dog wanting to be a Clydesdale, other types of horses trying to be Clydesdales, donkeys trying to be Clydesdales… who’s got some great ideas for me? Ad Guy #1: What about a Clydesdale… trying to be a human? Ad Guy #2: What if we brought back the Budweiser FROGS and had THEM trying to become Clydesdales? Ad Guy #3: I’ve got it!  A COW!  A COW TRYING TO BE A CLYDESDALE. CMO: My God, a cow.  We’ve never done a cow.  Cows are ADORABLE.  LET’S MOVE INTO PRODUCTION! [suddenly a chicken walks into the room] Chicken: *blood curdling scream*

A secret transcript from the top-level Budweiser marketing meeting several months prior to the Superbowl:

CMO:

Okay okay.. everyone settle in.  It’s a big day today and we have a lot of ground to cover.  As you know, in a few months we’ve got the Superbowl coming up.  Big big event for us.

It’s been a tough year out there.  People are really just trying to make ends meet, so we definitely don’t want to do anything innovative or entertaining in any way.  Simply maintain the status quo and fly under the radar and create sub par advertising.  Which is why I’m pleased to announce that we’re bringing back the Clydesdale ads again this year.

{enthusiastic applause]

We’ve done extensive market testing and found that non-funny ads featuring animals resonate tremendously with our target demographic.

Now, here’s the problem.  Since we’ve run these mediocre Clydesdale ads since the beginning of time, we’re running out of cute things for the Clydesdale to do.  We had a dog wanting to be a Clydesdale, other types of horses trying to be Clydesdales, donkeys trying to be Clydesdales… who’s got some great ideas for me?

Ad Guy #1: What about a Clydesdale… trying to be a human?

Ad Guy #2: What if we brought back the Budweiser FROGS and had THEM trying to become Clydesdales?

Ad Guy #3: I’ve got it!  A COW!  A COW TRYING TO BE A CLYDESDALE.

CMO: My God, a cow.  We’ve never done a cow.  Cows are ADORABLE.  LET’S MOVE INTO PRODUCTION!

[suddenly a chicken walks into the room]

Chicken: *blood curdling scream*

SLEDDING ADVENTURES!

video by Karen

music: Saves The Day - “Through Being Cool”

BLIZZARD!!  SNOW!!  FUN!! while we didn’t get hit with the massive snow amounts that hit the DC area, richmond got our own fair share of snow over the weekend. normally, during significant periods of snowfall, i like to hibernate indoors and enjoy the snow from the comfort of my apartment, looking out the windows.  the idea of driving and getting my car stuck generally deters me from being too adventurous.  however, yesterday the roads were cleared pretty nicely and when everyone was going sledding, i decided to join in.  it was a really good decision, because we had a blast. bill and i had tubes, so we filled them up and headed to jefferson park.  it not only doubles as a fun sledding spot, but also offers a beautiful view of the city.  not bad. with all the snowy weather lately and busy weeks at work, i’ve definitely not been hanging out with friends as often as i should.  i’ve been feeling downright curmudgeony sometimes.  it’s days like yesterday that reminds me the kind of fun you can have when you say “fuck it” and just hang out and have a good time. thanks, friends.

BLIZZARD!!  SNOW!!  FUN!!

while we didn’t get hit with the massive snow amounts that hit the DC area, richmond got our own fair share of snow over the weekend.

normally, during significant periods of snowfall, i like to hibernate indoors and enjoy the snow from the comfort of my apartment, looking out the windows.  the idea of driving and getting my car stuck generally deters me from being too adventurous.  however, yesterday the roads were cleared pretty nicely and when everyone was going sledding, i decided to join in.  it was a really good decision, because we had a blast.

bill and i had tubes, so we filled them up and headed to jefferson park.  it not only doubles as a fun sledding spot, but also offers a beautiful view of the city.  not bad.

with all the snowy weather lately and busy weeks at work, i’ve definitely not been hanging out with friends as often as i should.  i’ve been feeling downright curmudgeony sometimes.  it’s days like yesterday that reminds me the kind of fun you can have when you say “fuck it” and just hang out and have a good time.

thanks, friends.

Surprisingly Not A Bonerkiller: Your Weird Sleeping Habits

i wrote another shmitten kitten article!  if you’re not reading that site on a daily basis, you’re missing out.

as much as i don’t like walking in the snow, i really feel bad for this guy who tried to bike in it. good luck, buddy.

as much as i don’t like walking in the snow, i really feel bad for this guy who tried to bike in it.

good luck, buddy.

Han Solo: The sensors are picking up a small weather event up ahead. Chewbacca: GGAHHIRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHIRAAAAAAARRG!  GHHRRR WAAAGH! Han Solo: What’s that, Chewie?  A blizzard?  That’s no blizzard. [Han Solo reads weather sensors again] Wait…  you’re right.  It’s headed straight for us and it covers the entire eastern seaboard.  We don’t stand a chance. Chewbacca: WWRRRRRRRGGGHAAAAARRR! [Han Solo activates emergency evasion maneuvers] Han Solo: I KNOW, CHEWIE!  I’m TRYING! Luke: What IS that?! Han Solo: Sit down and shut up, kid! Chewbacca: GHHHHH!!  WOORRRRGGGGHH!! Han Solo: ….  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Han Solo: The sensors are picking up a small weather event up ahead.

Chewbacca: GGAHHIRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHIRAAAAAAARRG!  GHHRRR WAAAGH!

Han Solo: What’s that, Chewie?  A blizzard?  That’s no blizzard.

[Han Solo reads weather sensors again]

Wait…  you’re right.  It’s headed straight for us and it covers the entire eastern seaboard.  We don’t stand a chance.

Chewbacca: WWRRRRRRRGGGHAAAAARRR!

[Han Solo activates emergency evasion maneuvers]

Han Solo: I KNOW, CHEWIE!  I’m TRYING!

Luke: What IS that?!

Han Solo: Sit down and shut up, kid!

Chewbacca: GHHHHH!!  WOORRRRGGGGHH!!

Han Solo: ….  I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

words cannot express how much i love hot chip.

if you don’t like this band, you need to readjust your “enjoyment of music” settings.

check out this live video from last night on jimmy fallon.  joined by the fucking ROOTS!  AMAZING.

killing it at the life game.

sorry, but i’m not done bragging about how awesome my day was.  the following events were not necessarily the most exciting things, but i was proud that i had three things to do tonight after work and the timing had to be just right to pull it off and i actually DID IT!  without being embarrassingly late to anything!

after spending the majority of the day at a videoshoot for work, i headed back to the office to find that somehow i had timed everything and routed everything so that i had nothing to work on for the remainder of the day.  this was EXTRA NICE, because i had planned a bit of a crazy evening.

i hit the road at 5:00pm on the dot.  the number of times this has happened in my advertising career is still in the single digits.

i headed immediately to the grocery store.  we’re supposed to get a monster snow storm AGAIN this weekend, so i definitely needed some additional food before i was stuck at home for three days.  i knew it was going to be hellish and i was right, but i was a man on a mission.  parked on a side street and dodged the insane parking lot, ran in with a basket and loaded it up with exactly what i needed.  i was dodging ladies with shopping carts left and right.  since i didn’t have my own cart, i was able to move fast.  no dead weight!  i got all the essentials and headed for the lines.

self-checkout was totally fucked.  the line was forever, and inevitably there’s always 3-4 people who still don’t know how to use it.  i immediately found the shortest line with a cashier.  things moved slowly, but not as bad as they could have been.  i was in and out of the grocery in THIRTY MINUTES.  stoked.

immediately after the grocery store, with minutes to spare, i headed to cous cous to meet chrissy, a writer for richmond.com.  i did an hour-long interview with her about decoration day recordings and the SEAS record for a new feature on their site.  as always, it was fun to talk about the label and this project because it’s something i care so strongly about right now.  usually i have to resort to talking friends’ ears off about it, so it was nice to do it in a more professional setting.  when i ordered my greyhound, the waiter said “of course.  i should have known!”  can i just say how much i love being a regular at a place?

after the interview was over, i chatted briefly with chris at the bar and then sped off to elephant thai for yet ANOTHER meetup with minutes to spare, this time with my friend lauren over thai food.  we hadn’t hung out in a while, so we did a lot of catching up and talking about life and all the goings-on.

i finally made it home about an hour ago and i feel like i just did a mental triathlon.  it’s time to relax, put on some music, and revel in the fact that in 24 hours it will be the weekend, and there will be a blizzard, and i have ample amounts of sharp cheddar cheese, hummus, milk, ritz crackers, and leftover thai food.  WIN!

a few months ago, a blog called lemondrop.com asked me to write a “bad boyfriend” blog for their site.  i would have gladly done it for free, but they actually offered to pay me to write it. fast forward to today when i found in my mailbox a sweet ass CHECK from aol.com for my little blog espousing various reasons one shouldn’t date me. a paycheck.  for writing.  on the internet. this is the first time THAT’S ever happened.  maybe i wasn’t too premature when i secured the http://internetsensationphilwilliams.com domain name.

a few months ago, a blog called lemondrop.com asked me to write a “bad boyfriend” blog for their site.  i would have gladly done it for free, but they actually offered to pay me to write it.

fast forward to today when i found in my mailbox a sweet ass CHECK from aol.com for my little blog espousing various reasons one shouldn’t date me.

a paycheck.  for writing.  on the internet.

this is the first time THAT’S ever happened.  maybe i wasn’t too premature when i secured the http://internetsensationphilwilliams.com domain name.

i saw the film hurt locker last night.  and i thought it was amazing. you know that scene in the action movie where the bomb is a minute from going off and the protagonist is rushing against time to try and defuse the bomb before it’s too late?  this is usually the most intense scene in the movie.  or how about the war movie where inevitably the team is attacked by a sniper and they have to figure out a) where the hell the shots are coming from and b) how to stop them. okay, instead of each of these scenes being five minutes long, stretch them out across two hours and now you have hurt locker. i’ve never had a movie stress me out like this.  i was on the edge of my seat for most of the movie. the other amazing thing about this movie is how, while all these totally insane stressful crazy events are going on, you never get the impression that these things are out-of-the-ordinary scenarios.  this was everyday life for our soldiers in iraq.  it really made me very very grateful for the people who fight over there.  and also made me realize what a terrible soldier i would make.  i’d be like “wait, you want me to do WHAT?!” so anyway, go see this movie.  and then hug someone you know who fought in iraq or afghanistan.

i saw the film hurt locker last night.  and i thought it was amazing.

you know that scene in the action movie where the bomb is a minute from going off and the protagonist is rushing against time to try and defuse the bomb before it’s too late?  this is usually the most intense scene in the movie.  or how about the war movie where inevitably the team is attacked by a sniper and they have to figure out a) where the hell the shots are coming from and b) how to stop them.

okay, instead of each of these scenes being five minutes long, stretch them out across two hours and now you have hurt locker.

i’ve never had a movie stress me out like this.  i was on the edge of my seat for most of the movie.

the other amazing thing about this movie is how, while all these totally insane stressful crazy events are going on, you never get the impression that these things are out-of-the-ordinary scenarios.  this was everyday life for our soldiers in iraq.  it really made me very very grateful for the people who fight over there.  and also made me realize what a terrible soldier i would make.  i’d be like “wait, you want me to do WHAT?!”

so anyway, go see this movie.  and then hug someone you know who fought in iraq or afghanistan.

“uhh yes, hi.. this is phil.  i was just calling to see if maybe if you guys didn’t mind, i could work another week from home.  uhh yeah, i’m just really sick and still contagious.  i’d really hate to get you guys sick and, honestly, i can do my job just fine from here at home.  no worries, really.” if i had a little pod like this, i’d never want to work in an office again. (via josh)

“uhh yes, hi.. this is phil.  i was just calling to see if maybe if you guys didn’t mind, i could work another week from home.  uhh yeah, i’m just really sick and still contagious.  i’d really hate to get you guys sick and, honestly, i can do my job just fine from here at home.  no worries, really.”

if i had a little pod like this, i’d never want to work in an office again.

(via josh)

(heymikewaskom:chriszabriskie)

This about sums up my current feelings on LOST.

To those of you who are thinking about commenting “I told you so”, just know that it’s unnecessary.

SERIOUS SPOILER ALERTS BELOW!  DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED TONIGHT’S LOST!  SCROLL UP!  SCROLL UP!  EJECT! “Your Life As One of ‘The Others’” - An Orientation Letter to New “Others” Arriving On The Island. Hello and welcome to the magical island of LOST. We know you have a choice when it comes to magical islands and we’re glad you chose ours.  Our “Other” program is quite possibly one of the best in the world and we pride ourselves on providing you with the best experience possible.  We believe that as an Other, you need to be challenged and provided with a wide variety of options as you go through life on the island.  Here are just a few of our programs: Fuck With Plane Crash Victims / Scraggly Dirty Others Are you an outdoorsman?  Do you despise showering?  Try our nomadic Others program.  Your job will be to don muddy clothing, creep around the woods whispering things, and intimidating visitors to the island.  This is not for the faint of heart.  You’ll need to sleep outdoors, look malnourished, and scare anyone you come across.  Ideally we’re looking for candidates who know how to shoot flaming arrows and kidnap babies. Suburban Book Club Others Is the outdoorsy life not for you?  No problem!  Stop by our little suburban getaway in the Dharma village!  Others in the Suburban program get to dress much more sensibly - nice khakis, button-ups, and other business casual attire is encouraged.  Here you’ll be with Others who enjoy a good quiche, listening to NPR (when the signal comes in), and our book club is always looking for new members! Spiritual Temple Others This little program is our best-kept-Other-secret.  In fact it’s so secret, it’s been around for five seasons and with the exception of a boring flight attendant, no one’s ever seen any of us before!  Crazy, right? Anyway, if you’re sick of the dirty outdoors life, but a little too “earthy” for our suburban program, come join our Temple Other program.  Here in our temple you can dress like you’re from an ancient society or take baths in our delightful hot tub.  Our Temple Others program offers classes in foreign languages, beginner pyrotechnics, and being mysterious. 2007 is a big year for our Others program.  Finally revealing our “Temple Others” program may seem a little outlandish considering there’s only about 10 episodes left in the show before everything needs to be wrapped up and explained, but we feel that it’s a great additional option to add to our repertoire and we hope you agree. So please, stop on by Human Resources located in the Flame Station.  We’ll get you your appropriate uniform, give you some paperwork and W-9 forms to fill out, and then start you on your new fantastic life here on the island. We’re so happy to have you on the team. Sincerely, Richard Alpert

SERIOUS SPOILER ALERTS BELOW!  DON’T READ THIS IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED TONIGHT’S LOST!  SCROLL UP!  SCROLL UP!  EJECT!


“Your Life As One of ‘The Others’” - An Orientation Letter to New “Others” Arriving On The Island.

Hello and welcome to the magical island of LOST.

We know you have a choice when it comes to magical islands and we’re glad you chose ours.  Our “Other” program is quite possibly one of the best in the world and we pride ourselves on providing you with the best experience possible.  We believe that as an Other, you need to be challenged and provided with a wide variety of options as you go through life on the island.  Here are just a few of our programs:

Fuck With Plane Crash Victims / Scraggly Dirty Others

Are you an outdoorsman?  Do you despise showering?  Try our nomadic Others program.  Your job will be to don muddy clothing, creep around the woods whispering things, and intimidating visitors to the island.  This is not for the faint of heart.  You’ll need to sleep outdoors, look malnourished, and scare anyone you come across.  Ideally we’re looking for candidates who know how to shoot flaming arrows and kidnap babies.

Suburban Book Club Others

Is the outdoorsy life not for you?  No problem!  Stop by our little suburban getaway in the Dharma village!  Others in the Suburban program get to dress much more sensibly - nice khakis, button-ups, and other business casual attire is encouraged.  Here you’ll be with Others who enjoy a good quiche, listening to NPR (when the signal comes in), and our book club is always looking for new members!

Spiritual Temple Others

This little program is our best-kept-Other-secret.  In fact it’s so secret, it’s been around for five seasons and with the exception of a boring flight attendant, no one’s ever seen any of us before!  Crazy, right? Anyway, if you’re sick of the dirty outdoors life, but a little too “earthy” for our suburban program, come join our Temple Other program.  Here in our temple you can dress like you’re from an ancient society or take baths in our delightful hot tub.  Our Temple Others program offers classes in foreign languages, beginner pyrotechnics, and being mysterious.

2007 is a big year for our Others program.  Finally revealing our “Temple Others” program may seem a little outlandish considering there’s only about 10 episodes left in the show before everything needs to be wrapped up and explained, but we feel that it’s a great additional option to add to our repertoire and we hope you agree.

So please, stop on by Human Resources located in the Flame Station.  We’ll get you your appropriate uniform, give you some paperwork and W-9 forms to fill out, and then start you on your new fantastic life here on the island.

We’re so happy to have you on the team.

Sincerely,

Richard Alpert

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-1-31)
  1. The Secret Stars (46)
  2. Ida (32)
  3. Hot Chip (30)
  4. Eric Whitacre (26)
  5. Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy/Matthew Sweeney (19)

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

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Themed by: Hunson